I Built a Prison and Called It a Business...

Before I get into deals, underwriting, or anything related to the market this week, I want to talk about something I don't write about enough. It has nothing to do with real estate. It has everything to do with why I got into real estate in the first place.

I started investing because I wanted to make more money. That was the whole purpose, nothing else. Make more money.

I didn't have a vision for what my life should look like, or what kind of marriage I wanted to build, or what kind of father I wanted to be. I just knew I wanted more, and real estate seemed like the only vehicle to get it.

So I put my head down and I ground. Hard. For years. And you know what I built?

A prison.

It didn't feel like a prison at the time. Every deal closed felt like progress. Every dollar made felt like proof that the plan was working. But there was no plan. There was just velocity. More deals. More revenue. More hours...

And meanwhile, my wife Grace was living her own separate life, working her own job, and we were basically ships passing in the night. Same house, same marriage on paper, but completely disconnected from each other's daily existence.

I was building something. But I was building it alone, and I didn't even realize she wasn't in it with me. I had been through this before...in past relationships...and I did not want this relationship to become the past.

A buddy of mine named Thach said something to me around that time that hit like a lightning bolt. He said:

"Most people build their business, and then whatever life they have left over, they try to fit in. Why don't you figure out and design the life you want, and then make your business fit that?"

I've had people say smart things like this to me before. I've read books. I've listened to podcasts. But something about who said it, and when he said it, and where I was in my life at that exact moment...it was like a lightning bolt! He was describing me perfectly, and I didn't like it...

So Grace and I sat down that next weekend. And the weekend after that. And the weekend after that. For about three weeks straight, we didn't talk about deals or revenue or how many flips we were going to do that year. We talked about what we actually wanted our lives to look like. Where we wanted to live. How we wanted to spend our days. What kind of marriage we wanted. What "enough" actually meant to us.

We wrote it down. We got specific. We got honest with each other in ways we hadn't been in a long time.

And when we were done, I asked her, "OK. So what should we do first?"

She didn't hesitate.

"I should quit my job Monday."

That was October 2017. She quit that Monday. She came to work with me in the family business. And we have spent every single day together ever since. Not because we're codependent or because we can't function independently. Because we designed it that way. We decided that's what our life would look like, and then we restructured everything to make it happen.

Now I get it...that might not be the dream for everyone reading this...working side by side with your spouse! But our dream was to be able to spend every day together, that was what we really wanted. And if you knew my wife, you would know that she wasn’t about to sit around, so she got to work in the business. In the future, I will for sure dive into this more about working with your spouse.

That said! The business didn't shrink. It grew. But it grew around the life we wanted, instead of the other way around.

I'm telling you this because I think most of us get this completely backwards. We are incredibly intentional about our businesses. We underwrite deals to the penny. We stress test scenarios. We build spreadsheets and proformas and exit strategies. We plan our portfolios with discipline.

And then we go home and wing it with the people who matter most.

No plan. No shared vision. No alignment on what we're actually building toward together. Just two people grinding in the same general direction and hoping it works out.

That's not a strategy. That's a prayer.

Here's what I've learned since 2017. When your spouse is actually in it with you, when you've done the work to get aligned on where you're going and why, everything gets better. The business gets better because you're not carrying guilt or resentment into your decisions. The marriage gets better because you're building something together instead of just coexisting. Your risk tolerance gets healthier because you've got a partner who understands the game and can check you when you're being reckless.

Grace has saved me from more bad decisions than any underwriting model ever will.

I've gotten a lot more intentional about this stuff over the years, but I'll be honest, I still have a long way to go. Which is why I want to tell you about something I'm involved in that I genuinely believe could be a turning point for a lot of couples in this space.

My friend Lonnie Gienger is someone I connected with through a mutual friend in the multifamily world. Lonnie is the CEO of Wilkinson, a family-owned real estate platform that has transacted over $3 billion. But what makes Lonnie different is that he and his wife Shelley have spent 25+ years helping high-achieving families integrate their success with their actual relationships, values, and legacy.

Last year, Lonnie came and taught a workshop on this at the REI Summit. I sat through it expecting it to be good. It floored me. I walked out of that room thinking, "My family needs this. My marriage needs this. Everyone I know needs this."

So we partnered on it.

It's called the Thriving Families Retreat. May 29-30, San Diego, limited to 100 couples. It's not a conference. It's not marriage therapy. It's not motivational fluff. It's two days of guided, structured work where you and your spouse actually build the plan. The family vision, the values, the alignment... the stuff that most of us have never slowed down long enough to define.

Early founders pricing is available now through April 3rd. If this resonates with anything I wrote above, go take a look.

www.thrivingfamiliesretreat.com

There is a reason we are all building and grinding. For most of us, it's for freedom. But let's be more honest than that. It's so we can be present with our families and the people we love.

Make sure they're with you when you cross the finish line. Not missing. Not waiting. Not wondering where you went.

You've been intentional about your success.

Have you been equally intentional about your family?

My name is Tarl Yarber, and I am a Recovering House Flipper.

Need Capital for a Strong Deal?

Are you investing in real estate right now and looking for funding for your next deal, or want to refinance your BRRRR’s or rentals?

Rates recently went up a bit, take advantage of where they are now in case they increase again. We do Hardmoney and DSCR loans.

Go to www.FixatedFunding.com for more info.